Meant to Be
by living-daydreams
Summary: After two failed attempts at IVF, losing out on an adoption, and an upsetting break-up, Addison Montgomery wondered when it was finally going to be her turn. When would her life finally be all that she wanted it to be? She was at a loss; until the arrival of a young new doctor leaves her wondering if everything she's been searching for is actually right in front of her.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Hello lovely readers :) So the idea for this story originally came to me a few months ago when I was working on my final for a creative writing class. Then I thought, after recently finishing my latest fic ("Finding Our Way" located in the Addek section of GA), why not apply the idea to one of my favorite characters on television? This fic starts mid-season 5, specifically around episodes 10/11/12, after Addison's failed IVF and losing her first attempt at adoption. I hope you like it, and thanks so much for stopping by to read!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

* * *

**Chapter 1**

**February, 1983**

**Hartford, Connecticut**

The pain was unbearable, unlike nothing she'd ever felt before. It was like something – or _someone_ – was ripping her in half, and she begged, prayed for it to end. She just wanted it to be over.

"Oh God, can't you just pull it out already?!" A sixteen year old Addison Montgomery shouted through gritted teeth.

She wasn't even in a hospital; secluded in the most private section of her parents large estate in Hartford, Connecticut, Addison was in the middle of a very difficult labor. It had been over 24 hours, and she was exhausted, scared, and heartbroken – everything a woman shouldn't be while giving birth.

In reality, it had been so much longer than 24 hours. For Addison, it had been an excruciating nine months, from finding out she was a pregnant teenager, to telling her parents – her upper class, "high in society" parents – to becoming "that girl" at school; the girl none of the other "high in society" parents wanted their daughters to associate with, since she so obviously showed poor judgment and was unable to keep her knees closed until marriage.

For a while, Addison had scoffed. _If only those parents knew what their daughters did behind their back_, she thought. They just got lucky, didn't have to suffer the consequences like she did. The looks, the whispers, being ostracized by everyone who used to be your friend…

But then, no matter how hard she tried, it started to get under her skin.

_The looks, the whispers, being ostracized by everyone who used to be your friend…_

It became difficult for even her own mother to look at her. Bizzy Forbes Montgomery was not a woman who tolerated misbehavior, anything that took away from her concept of normalcy or made heads turn in her direction. From months four through nine, Addison was not to attend any public function or any extracurricular activity in school; as if she wanted to in the first place, she would think to herself.

Her father kept to his work, coming home only for long weekends or to have a quick tryst with the maid. When Addison was younger it was her and her brother Archer's nanny, then the French tutor, then his secretary…Captain Montgomery always thought no one ever knew, but how could she not? As a child, Addison and her brother worshiped the ground their father walked on.

Her brother Archer was really the only one to stick by her side throughout the past nine months, anything from threatening to beat up the boy who did it to threatening to beat up anyone who snickered behind his little sister's back. Because Archer Montgomery was the only one who knew the truth about that night, Addison with that boy…

It wasn't even on purpose that she told him, but when he caught her one night mid-panic attack, clutching her middle and struggling to breathe, she felt no choice but to tell him what really happened. How her baby was conceived.

"Addison, you _have_ to go to the police," Archer had told her.

"No. Absolutely not." Addison said, with a fire in her eyes. "Things are bad enough as it is and without any help from the police. Aside from school Bizzy has me on lock down, what good would it do to involve the authorities? Besides, this isn't New York City; this is Connecticut. People…Archer people don't talk about this kind of thing here. This kind of thing _doesn't happen _here."

"But it happened to you," Archer whispered.

"No, Archer. I said no. No police."

That was the end of that.

Archer wasn't in the room with Addison when the labor started. He wasn't even in the house – he was off at Yale, pre-med of course. The Captain would expect nothing less from a son. Oh how Addison ached for him, her only friend throughout this ordeal. _Ordeal_ – she wanted to laugh at the word. Since when did women refer to their babies as _ordeals?_

"Archie," Addison moaned, bringing herself back to the present, her head thrashing back and forth.

The doctor – a man – sat down between Addison's legs, a sight that made her want to vomit and scream at him to get away from her, not to touch her.

"The baby's crowning," he said flatly, reaching toward her with a gloved hand. "You're going to need to start pushing."

"No, no…" Addison stammered. "Just pull it out. Hurts too much…"

"Well you should have thought of that Addison, before sleeping with the first boy who asked you asked you to the prom," Bizzy snapped.

_He didn't ask me to the prom!_ Addison wanted to scream. He was at the prom, she was at the prom…but he didn't ask her there.

She wasn't keeping this baby, that much was known even before she started showing. He – or she – was going straight to the orphanage, Bizzy's order sending a chill down Addison's spine. Her baby wasn't an orphan; she was its mother, no matter how young.

"One, two, three, push!" The doctor ordered.

Addison sat up, pushing with all her might. There was so much pain, no light at the end of the tunnel. She swore she was dying, there was no coming out of this, and then the doctor ordered her to stop. Sweating, Addison looked around the room with wide, scared eyes. Bizzy was standing in the corner, and Addison willed her mother to look at her, to somehow…_understand_. But it was hopeless; Bizzy would never understand.

She pushed again, too exhausted to believe an actual human life was slipping right through her. No one was there to hold her hand. There were people in the room, but she felt so alone, so very very alone.

The head was out; that much she heard. Sweat poured down her face in large drops, like she had just plunged headfirst into the Connecticut River.

"Is it out yet?" She wanted to ask. "Is it a girl or a boy?"

What did it matter at this point, really? She wasn't keeping it. She wasn't _allowed_ to keep it.

"Just one more, one more," the doctor said, and Addison pushed. One more, one more.

The room filled with the sound of a baby crying, _her_ baby crying.

"It's a girl," the doctor announced.

Addison lie back on the bed, panting, trying to relax her aching muscles. She hurt everywhere. "Let me see her," she muttered. She noticed her mother about to protest, so she tried again. "Please, I have to hold her."

Reluctantly, the doctor handed Addison her daughter. _Her daughter_.

"Oh…" Addison lost her breath, staring down at the tiny auburn-haired girl. A feeling spread within her, one she didn't think she could even put into words, but it was unlike anything she had ever felt before in her life. Leaning forward, she kissed the baby's forehead. "Your name is Alina," she said.

"Alright, that's enough," Bizzy snapped, as if she wanted to keep her daughter as unattached to this baby as possible.

"Her name is Alina," Addison insisted, looking up at her mother. "She's my baby."

"Addison, I said that's enough." Bizzy repeated herself before turning to the doctor. "Take her."

"No, no…" Addison felt the tears spring to her eyes. "Please don't take her…" But her voice had grown almost inaudible, a great lump forming in her throat.

Before she knew it, her daughter was being ripped from her arms, mouth opening like she wanted to nurse. Everything seemed to be moving in slow motion. One moment she was in agonizing labor, the next she was holding her beautiful baby girl, and now, now her baby was being taken from her - surprisingly she found - against her will.

"No," Addison cried. "Give her back!"

No one was listening. Bizzy whispered instructions to the doctor while Addison craned her neck to see her daughter. "Please, give her back," she said over and over again, her voice barely a whisper.

But with the blink of an eye, the doctor was gone. Her baby was gone. Addison wailed, crying hysterically for her baby Alina, knowing two things: one, she would never see her daughter again, and two; that feeling that had spread within her that she couldn't describe before – she could now.

That feeling was love.

* * *

**January, 2012**

**Los Angeles, California**

Addison played through the memory a million times over in her head, sitting on her back deck, listening to the ocean waves flow in and out. Just her and the clear night sky, the bright stars above shining down on her, almost as if they were shiny beacons of hope. But Addison had no more hope left inside her.

She had had a baby; a girl, ripped from her arms unjustly and involuntarily. A baby she shouldn't have wanted, but did.

She had another baby; sucked from her uterus voluntarily because it wasn't the right time, nor was it with the right guy.

When she was finally ready to have a baby on her own terms, she'd been told – by her best friend no less – she would no longer be able to. Yet, years later, when a fertility doctor by the name of Jake Reilly came to work for Seaside Health & Wellness, Addison had thought, if only for a moment, that maybe he was her last beacon of hope. So she gathered her courage and put herself through two rounds of IVF treatment.

Two months ago, her second and final attempt at IVF had failed. Her second and final attempt to become a mother (on her own terms) had failed.

And today, today she lost out for an adoption. She had a birth mother, and she lost her; she lost her chance at raising a little girl. Again.

The warm breeze flowed through her hair as she stared straight ahead, right at the spot where the light from the moon hit the water. Addison had no idea how many minutes had passed before she heard him, the slow patter of shoes against his wooden deck; her boyfriend, Sam Bennett.

Sam Bennett. That relationship in itself was complicated. At first, to Addison, it had felt so right, so wonderful to be in the arms of this man she had known for years, who had known her for years. Never mind that he used to be married to her best friend; it's not that Addison wanted to hurt Naomi, but in her heart she just felt that Sam was the one.

But that was the funny thing about love, it had a way of changing when you least expect it to. Just like Addison's mother used to say: _People Plan and God Laughs._

Now she had no idea what she felt for Sam. He had known for a very long time how much she yearned to be a mother, how much having the abortion came back to haunt her. The only thing he didn't know was of Addison's baby she _did_ have back in 1983. No, only Derek knew about her, and that's the way Addison had always wanted to keep it. Alina – or, let's face it, that probably wasn't even her name anymore – was her past, and she needed to look toward the future.

And yet, having a baby with Addison seemed to be the last thing Sam Bennett wanted in his life for whatever reason. He claimed it was because of Maya and Olivia, but Addison knew better. She knew there was something holding him back, but she couldn't reach it, and now she wasn't even sure she wanted to.

Sam stood on the edge of the porch, and Addison could feel him watching her. She couldn't look at him, because she couldn't imagine what he could possibly have to say to make her feel better. Before the adoption process had even started, he had removed all traces of himself from Addison's house, proving without a doubt (to the adoption agency) that he wanted nothing to do with her getting a new baby.

"I didn't get the baby," she said, still staring straight into the ocean.

Sam sighed, sitting on the adjacent deck chair. "I'm sorry."

Addison nodded, wanting nothing more than to roll her eyes, scream, lash out at him. The nerve; coming here and pretending to be sorry when really, he couldn't be happier, and he wasn't doing a good job at hiding it.

"I know how much this means to you," he said. "And I'm sorry for your disappointment."

Addison was silent.

"I love you," Sam finished.

That grabbed her attention. Turning her head slowly, she finally met his gaze; that gaze that two years ago, made her weak in the knees.

"I love you too," she replied, placing a hand on his knee.

Sam shook his head. "You can't do this anymore."

Addison felt a clench in her chest. "I know."

Sam took hold of her hand, as if he thought this could comfort her, shield the blow of what she already knew was coming. "So this is it?"

They were breaking up.

"Yeah, this is it," Addison said quietly.

_I wanted a baby and I wanted Sam, and I got no baby and no Sam._

_How am I supposed to believe in anything ever again?_

_How is love not enough?_

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**Thanks so much for reading! Chapter 2 will focus completely on the present time, and you'll get to see some of the other characters of Private Practice, as well as a completely new character. Let me know what you guys think and if you think I should continue! Oh and by the way, I'm listing this story as Jaddison because we'll eventually get there ;)**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Thank you all so much for the positive feedback on the first chapter :) Here's chapter two for you, as promised, with more characters. Hope you like!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

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**Chapter 2**

**One month later**

**February, 2012**

**Los Angeles, California**

She couldn't sleep anymore. All she could do was lie in bed and think about how one side was empty – _too_ empty.

_I couldn't sleep, and I kept trying to tell myself that it was from something other than Sam but I mean, come on. How can I ignore the fact that my bed is half empty? It's like this…space that I can't…occupy. You know, it's his space. It's Sam's space. He belongs there._

She had said this to her therapist just this morning, in the hopes that he would have some words of wisdom to make her feel slightly less crazy and clingy to this (now ex) boyfriend who didn't even treat her all that well to begin with. But that was the thing; Addison knew, as soon as she made it clear she wanted a baby, she knew Sam was not treating her how a significant other should be treated, how she _deserved_ to be treated.

Still, the therapist offered little help…as usual. No matter how many times she fit the phrase "I couldn't sleep" into a sentence, all he seemed to do was respond to her with a question.

"Why couldn't you sleep?"

"Are you afraid to sleep in 'Sam's space'?"

"What was so captivating about that television show on shin-kicking you watched in the middle of the night?"

"Oh give me a break," Addison scoffed to herself in the middle of the night, lying in bed.

What the hell was she paying this guy for anyhow? To play 20 Questions with her for an hour?

That morning, before even going to the therapist's office she had stood on her bedroom balcony overlooking the ocean, clad only in her pajamas and bathrobe, when who should appear but the (ex) boyfriend himself. She had felt a pang in her chest, seeing him – all tall and muscular with that "just woken up" look she had loved so much – and not being able to do or say anything. On the outside she looked calm as he glanced over at her, watched her for a moment, but internally she was screaming; her heart was beating so fast she felt like she could run five miles.

He had walked back inside, leaving her alone with her thoughts and screaming insides. Then again, that seemed to be the theme of her life lately; alone.

Since the failed adoption, the days at work all seemed to flow together – nothing special, just work. Patient after patient with the occasional hospital visit. Oh, and the occasional questioning of Addison's sudden exhaustion at trying to have a baby.

She was pretty sure Jake was going to call her out for going insane when he caught her dumping coffee beans straight into the case, forgetting to add the filter.

"You all right there?" He asked.

"Yeah," she chuckled sarcastically. "No. Sam and I broke up."

Jake had questioned her, trying his hardest to seem surprised, when really he's just as bad at faking it as Sam was when he apologized for her "not getting what she wanted."

Amelia had encouraged her to go down the surrogacy route; "Why not surrogacy? You get your baby and someone else's boobs take the hit."

As much as she wanted to laugh at her, and as right as her former sister-in-law was, Addison wasn't in the mood to jump through any more hoops. She had jumped through so many, just to get…what?

Two failed attempts at IVF, passed over for an adoption, and forced to give her only daughter away twenty-nine years ago.

So many people seemed to be having children, or at least already had them. Sam and Naomi had Maya, and now Olivia. Violet and Pete – both of whom never even wanted children! – had Lucas. Cooper just found out he had a son, Mason…when was it going to be her turn?

Her conversation with her best friend Dr. Violet Turner in the St. Ambrose ER played through her head over and over again too.

_What do you do when the one person who can make you feel better won't talk to you?_

Oh she wished with all her might that Sam wasn't that person. Why couldn't it be Violet, or Amelia – her little sister – or Jake, or even _Mark_ for God's sake? Anyone but Sam Bennett.

Addison sighed, turning over onto her side facing the window. She thought about Violet's words again, her suggestion to try sleeping sideways. Rolling her eyes, Addison shuffled around in bed until her legs were at the corner opposite her head. Her feet immediately felt cold, like they were crossing a line into some foreign territory they weren't supposed to be in.

"I'm waiting…" she mumbled, waiting to get that "oddly comforting" feeling Violet described getting after Pete left her. Nothing. "God, why can't I just sleep?!" She yelled, scaring Milo, her orange tabby cat, awake and out of his favorite sleeping spot by the floor vent.

This was not what she meant when she said she wanted her life to change. It definitely _was_ changing, but not for the better. Every guy she met turned out to be the wrong one, and still, five years later, she didn't have her baby. Quickly, she threw off the sheets and got out of bed, walking back outside to stand on the balcony. She may as well turn this into a nightly ritual, she thought to herself. Eventually Milo came outside and rubbed against her leg, wanting to be picked up.

"Hey buddy," she cooed, scratching behind the cat's ears. Milo purred, nuzzling his face against her neck; although he was just a cat, she relished in the affection.

Staring out into the ocean once again, Addison realized she was in for another long night, another long, sleepless night wondering when it was finally going to be her turn.

* * *

"Did you know all the guys went out last night?" Violet asked, walking briskly into Addison's office the next morning.

"Really?" Addison looked up at her, doing her best to appear unperturbed.

Violet sighed, falling into Addison's plush office couch. "So Sam could get his mind off you."

"That's why he didn't come home," Addison answered automatically, not even thinking that she just admitted to stalking her ex to her best friend. But Violet just sat there, flipping through a magazine. "I was up all night again," Addison continued. "I did not hear the garage open, I did not see the lights go on."

"I feel like Pete is using this separation to have the bachelor party that he never had," Violet huffed. "You know, he wants to sow his wild – _old_ – oats."

"He told you that?"

"Yeah…I pretended not to care."

"Do you?"

Violet paused. "Well, I don't want to. I mean, intellectually I understand where Pete is coming from, but emotionally, I...I haven't processed him being with other women yet! Does he think our marriage is over?"

"Maybe he just has a different idea of what separation is, you know?" Addison suggested. "You prefer sleeping sideways; he prefers sowing his wild, old oats."

Violet gave her a look.

"Oh come on, a part of me _hopes_ that Sam moves on, you know? I mean, I wonder if I didn't hold him hostage…with all the baby stuff." What Violet doesn't know is that Addison wondered that more often than not.

"You're trying to be happy!" Violet said.

Addison leaned back in her chair, crossing her arms over her chest. "Maybe Pete is too."

The two women sat in silence for a moment, contemplating.

"No, you know what, whatever Pete's doing…" Violet paused, sitting up straighter. "You do not go looking for happiness by sleeping with every big-busted blonde in Los Angeles County. What he's doing is…I don't know. It's like he's getting back at me for…something."

"Like what?" Addison asked incredulously. "Taking care of him after he had a heart attack?"

"I have no idea," Violet admitted. "I don't know if I'll ever understand. In fact, I'm not sure I'll ever understand men. Let's just hope Lucas doesn't grow up to be one of those guys who spends all his time running from woman to woman…"

"No, do not even worry about that. Because you're gonna raise him to be better than that," Addison said.

"Well, one can hope," Violet sighed.

Addison replayed that over and over in her head too – one could hope that all was not lost for the adult male species.

* * *

Once five o'clock rolled around, she thought about going home, but what was the point anymore? It's not like Addison had anyone there waiting for her. God, she sounded so pathetic; she felt like she was complaining to literally everyone with a pulse about one thing or another. The baby, the boyfriend, all her hopes and dreams…it was a wonder no one had hit her yet, she thought to herself.

She just…she just wanted a _sign_, a sign that everything was going to be okay, that she could move forward with her life and leave Sam and all those babies in the past. Getting up from her desk, Addison plopped down on her office couch, resting her head in her hands. She doesn't know how much time passed before the sound of footsteps drew nearer.

"You still sulking?"

Of course it had to be Dr. Jake Reilly; the Fiji guy, the guy Addison had absolutely no idea her feelings for. Perfect.

"I'm not sulking," she sighed. "Too much energy. I am too far past exhaustion to sulk."

"Looks like sulking from here," Jake muttered, standing in her office doorway and taking a sip from his coffee mug.

Addison leaned back, annoyed. "You know what you are? You're a peddler…a baby peddler."

"Is that right?" Jake raised an eyebrow.

"Mhm," Addison replied, nursing her own mug of tea. "It is. And you're probably here to give me some sort of pep talk where, to summarize, you'll tell me to get back on the horse. You're a peddler."

Jake chuckled, sitting next to her on the couch. "Are you getting back together with Sam?"

This time it was Addison's turn to raise an eyebrow. "Why would you ask that?"

"Well, you gave Sam up because you wanted a baby," Jake said. "And if you're not getting back together with him then a baby is still what you want."

Damn Jake Reilly and his way of putting words into sentences and making them come out perfectly. Damn him and his logic.

"Give me your hand," he said.

"What?"

"Until you have a baby I consider you my patient. Give me your hand."

Addison laughed, setting her cup down. "Okay."

"I have heard every word of this before," Jake began. "And I have told women when it's time to throw in the towel, and you are not there yet. You're not even close. If you want this, we can make it happen."

Staring straight into his eyes, Addison was mesmerized by his words, by the softness of his hand, gently holding onto hers…

"I know you've felt alone in this before," Jake continued. "But you don't need to feel that way anymore because you've got me. I will always be there, Addison."

She continued to stare at him in silence and not before long he began rubbing soft circles on her hand with this thumb.

"You say that to all your patients?" Addison asked after a moment.

Jake smiled softly. "Not all of it."

Suddenly, her eyes began to feel very heavy, like sitting here with Jake could actually make her fall asl-

Her pager beeped, snapping her out of it. "Oh!" She sat up with a start, pulling the pager out from her bag. Speak of the devil, it was Pete, paging from the ER.

Addison looked at Jake apologetically. "I…have to go. It's Pete, he's got a patient in the ER."

"Say no more," Jake said. "You just remember to keep all your options open."

"Right," Addison replied quickly, but giving a genuine smile. "Thanks. I mean it. You're a decent guy, Jake."

_Decent enough that I wish it were you I stayed up all night thinking about._

* * *

As soon as she entered the ER, stethoscope wrapped around her neck, she craned her neck searching for Pete and his – well now their – patient.

"Hang another unit!" Dr. Pete Wilder's voice sounded throughout the room. Addison ran to it, but when she got there she realized that it wasn't just Pete in the room, there was another doctor there too, pushing two doses of Epinephrine.

"We have to get her to the OR, or she's going to bleed out," the woman ordered. She had to be the youngest doctor at St. Ambrose Addison had ever seen, tall with auburn/brown hair and a slight Eastern European accent she couldn't place.

"Oh good, Addison you're here," Pete said upon noticing her arrival. "This is Alexis Miller, thirty-two weeks, brought in by ambulance after getting hit by a car…came to me for a holistic birth plan in her twelfth week."

"Oh God," Addison muttered, immediately going to check for a fetal heart rate. Pulling up Alexis' shirt, she immediately noticed bruising on the abdomen. "No," she said. "There's no time. We have to get this baby out right away."

"I'm sorry Dr. Montgomery but we can't do that just yet," the woman stopped her.

"I'm sorry who are you?" Addison asked without even looking up.

"This is Dr. Levin," Pete answered for her. "She's one of our new emergency medicine fellows."

"Oh, well Dr. Levin I can assure you I've been doing this since before you could walk so if you'll excuse me…" Addison began wheeling the patient toward the trauma OR.

"She has a severe intestinal bleed and that baby is the only thing keeping her from bleeding out!" Dr. Levin followed behind her closely, not giving up. And where the hell did Pete go? "Her scans indicate multiple-"

"Well lucky for you that's not your call anymore because this is no longer your patient," Addison snapped, interrupting and not wanting to deal with this woman, wherever she came from, who has not even half the medical training Addison does. "Stay out of my OR." She looked around frantically for Pete. "Pete!"

As soon as Pete returned to her side, she left to scrub in. She had to move as quickly as possible, to ignore the angered look on this new fetus-fellow's face, and to get that baby out of there before…

* * *

Both mother and baby died. Addison had later learned there was no father in the picture, no one to call. The mother and her daughter were all each other had, and neither of them survived. Worst of all, the fellow was right; as soon as Addison had reached in for the baby, Alexis had started bleeding out, and fast. Within seconds, there was no saving her. Yet, Addison was at a loss of what she would have done if she had left the baby in.

She was exhausted; if she didn't feel like going home from her office earlier, now it seemed like there was no better place. Today was not a good day, and Addison was not in a good mood.

Carrying her scrub cap tightly in one hand with her nails digging into her palm, Addison threw open the door to a dark on-call room, needing to take a few minutes to settle before even thinking about getting into a car. She was just about to crash into the bed when she noticed it was in fact, already occupied. Dr. Levin was sitting up, staring her straight in the eyes like she already knew what happened.

"Oh," Addison scoffed. "Just wonderful."

"I'm not going to say 'I told you so' if that's what you're thinking," the young doctor said. "You couldn't have known. You didn't even look at her scans."

"Okay, spare me the condescending lecture, there was no saving that woman and you know it; she would have bled out no matter what we did."

Dr. Levin sighed. "There's no use arguing it now; Alexis and the baby are gone."

Addison felt a pang in her chest at the softness of the young woman's voice. "Since when did you work here anyway?"

"Three weeks ago," Dr. Levin replied. "I've already completed my residency in pediatrics with Harvard at Mass. Gen., but then I found out about St. Ambrose's emergency medicine fellowship program…"

"St. Ambrose has a fellowship program?" Addison interrupted, just now remembering she'd never heard of such a thing.

"It's new this year…didn't you know? Or does Dr. King not keep her attending surgeons in the loop?"

"Apparently she doesn't," Addison said through gritted teeth.

"Well if you don't mind I'm going to go find another room to sleep in. You look like you could use this one more than me." Dr. Levin stood up to leave.

"Wait," Addison found herself stopping her.

"Yes?"

"What…what did you say your name was again?"

"I didn't, Dr. Wilder did. But it's Dr. Levin, Alina Levin."

The young doctor turned and left without so much as a handshake.

Addison fell back onto the bed. _Alina_. Her stomach churned from the mixed feelings behind the name. She may have been looking for a sign earlier, but this just seemed like a cruel joke.

* * *

**Thanks for reading! Reviews are always welcome! Chapter 3 to come soon :)**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Wowzers, thank you all for the nice feedback on the first two chapters! I'll admit I'm still having quite a bit of withdrawal symptoms from my last story but I'm warming up to this one quickly :) Here's chapter 3 for you...hope you like!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

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**Chapter 3**

**February, 2012**

**Los Angeles, California**

Moving to Los Angeles was never in Alina's plan, even before she became a doctor. Having spent her entire childhood being shipped back and forth from New England to Russia with her parents, she had already come to the conclusion that a life of sunshine and pretty movie stars running on the beach was not for her.

It was, once again, a fight with her mother that led to her picking up the phone and dialing Dr. Charlotte King's office in California, accepting her offer into St. Ambrose hospital's new emergency medicine fellowship program. In fact, a fight with her mother seemed to be the catalyst behind every major decision she'd ever made in her adult life – coming back to the United States to get her B.S. at Vassar, choosing Harvard over Yale – where her mother got hired to teach at just after Alina graduated college – for medical school, breaking off her engagement to a promising young lawyer, and finally, going into the "soft and squishy" profession of pediatrics at Mass. General, instead of something more hardcore like cardiology, like her mother.

Deep down, Alina knew what her father told her time and time again was true, that her mother, the "well-known and respected Dr. Alexandra Levin of Saint Petersburg slash Yale University," only wanted what was best for her; she just had a difficult time of showing it. Her mother didn't know this, but Alina had actually chosen to go in to pediatrics so she could give children the maternal affection she herself never received, to help lessen the fear that automatically came with being in the hospital as a kid.

Alina had been born in Connecticut, living in New York City for six years before her mother had been invited back to join the Saint Petersburg State University Medical Faculty, thus moving her and her father back to Russia. Both of Alina's parents were of Russian nationality with American citizenship, thanks to their graduate school degrees. But, unbeknownst to many, Alina was just the opposite, adopted as an infant out of a New York City agency.

She had lived in Russia through secondary school while her mother, Alexandra, taught at the medical school. Her father, Nicolas, had earned his Ph.D. in Physics from Columbia and was also a professor. Needless to say, it was expected from an early age that Alina would grow up immersing herself in the sciences. It never really occurred to her to search for her birth parents; for one, she had been moved to a completely different country, for another, it would send her mother up a completely different wall.

Yet interestingly enough to her, Alina's parents were very different. While her mother gave off a very "WASPy" vibe – as a New Englander would say – her father was the calmest, most loving person she knew. He was her favorite person in the world, always there to help her keep a level head when she would stress over school or work or whatever latest argument she had had with her mother. Alina used to think of him as a hero, the strongest man she knew for staying with an emotionally abusive wife, but as she grew older she learned that what a child thought of as heroism could actually be an adult's version of fear.

She replayed the "LA argument" with her mother over and over in her mind while lying in an on-call room bed one evening, three weeks into her fellowship program at St. Ambrose. Not two hours ago she had, quite literally, been thrown off a case by the infamous OB/GYN neonatal specialist Dr. Addison Forbes Montgomery, a doctor she had spent over half her career as a pediatric resident worshipping at an altar.

She tried her hardest not to let the frustration she felt from her first encounter with the "incredible" doctor (who seemed to have taken on the case without any idea what she was doing) bring about feelings of frustration she harbored toward her mother, or make her wonder yet again why her mother seemed so hell bent at her _not_ moving to Los Angeles, and exactly _who_ she was talking about right before the argument had ended.

_Alina was tired; she and her mother had been in a screaming match for the past hour and a half, and she was certain that despite the grandiosity of their Connecticut home, the neighbors wouldn't be above calling the police if this lasted any longer._

"_Mother, I am done discussing this with you!" She had shouted in an angered Russian._

_Alexandra had responded in kind. "We most certainly are _not_ done discussing this! For you to turn down the job offer at Mass. General is insane! You came back here from Russia to pursue the best opportunities; it's bad enough you ruined that by choosing to specialize in pediatrics but to take a fellowship over a job is just…"_

"_Just what, Mother? If anything this will give me _more_ experience and open up _more_ opportunities!"_

"_More opportunities for what? To coddle some little kid when you could be in the OR, actually learning something!"_

"_Well that's where you and I are different," Alina said, her voice calm, but forceful. "I actually care about patient care, whereas you, you'd rather be in an OR tearing at someone's heart, or teaching those robots!"_

"_I am your mother young lady and you will do as I say and respect me, and I say you are _not_ joining that program," her mother snapped, with eyes on fire._

"_Yes," Alina said through gritted teeth. "I. Am."_

_It came to the point where she almost knew it was going to happen before it did. The sound of skin against skin, the slap of her mother's palm against her cheek. At almost twenty-nine years old, Alina could never forget what it was like, lying in bed at night as a child with bruises up and down her back; but as a child you always think it's going to stop once you get big enough to make it stop, and yet it never does._

_Alina's hand flew to her cheek, in its faithful attempt to shield her from the inevitable burning sensation. She was well beyond tears; having lost so many as a child, nothing her mother did was ever worth the effort anymore. It was easier to just shut it out completely, hide it deep down inside._

"_I am your mother, and you will _do_ as I say," Alexandra hissed at her daughter. _

_Alina took a deep breath, her cheek pulsing. "Mother, you may have Papa wrapped around your twisted finger, but you _do not_ have me." Her nostrils flared. "I am going."_

_I am going._

Alina could feel her cheek throbbing now, still lying down in the dark on-call room. She thought about Dr. Montgomery, and if Alexis Miller and her baby were going to make it. Everything in her medical training told her they wouldn't, but if anyone could do it, she knew Dr. Montgomery was the one…even if she never read the scans.

Alina closed her eyes and turned on her side, letting out a long sigh. She hadn't spoken to her mother since the move out here, and had little idea what to do about it. Her father would call her daily, and she would relish in the sound of his voice she missed him so much. Although he would tell her nothing about Alexandra unless she asked, and Alina knew he was only doing so because he thought that's what she would want; it wasn't what he wanted. But still, Alina could not face anything having to do with her mother.

She remembered racing out of the house that day in an unexpected rage, driving straight through to her apartment in Boston in less than two hours. There was one thing though, that her mother had said as she was leaving, so quiet a part of her wasn't sure it was said at all:

"_You cannot go to Los Angeles because she is there."_

Who "she" was, Alina had no idea, and a part of her was afraid to find out.

Moments later she heard loud footsteps approaching the on-call room door and she got the sinking feeling that in a moment, she would no longer be alone. Quickly, she pulled her auburn hair into a bun and sat up, trying to create the least element of surprise for the intruder.

The door opened, and immediately Alina wanted to roll her eyes. Of course it would be her, Dr. Addison Forbes Montgomery. Alina stared her straight in the eye, waiting for Dr. Montgomery to make the first move.

"Oh," she scoffed. "Just wonderful."

"I'm not going to say 'I told you so' if that's what you're thinking," Alina said, adding "You couldn't have known, you didn't even look at her scans." If she had said something like that to her mother, her cheek would be earning another red mark right about now. But Dr. Montgomery didn't even flinch.

"Okay, spare me the condescending lecture, there was no saving that woman and you know it; she would have bled out no matter what we did."

Alina sighed, not wanting to argue with this woman who she secretly admired so much. "There's no use arguing it now; Alexis and the baby are gone." She felt a tug at her heart, thinking of that little baby. So much potential, and now she was dead.

Dr. Montgomery met her gaze again, except this time with softness in her eyes. "Since when did you work here anyway?"

"Three weeks ago," Alina replied automatically. "I've already completed my residency in pediatrics with Harvard at Mass. Gen., but then I found out about St. Ambrose's emergency fellowship program…"

…and I completely worship you as a doctor and everything you do, can I kiss your feet? Alina wanted to ramble, but stopped herself.

"St. Ambrose has a fellowship program?" Dr. Montgomery asked her, confused.

Alina was caught off guard. Weren't attending surgeons with privileges supposed to know what goes on in their own hospitals? "It's new this year…didn't you know? Or does Dr. King not keep her attending surgeons in the loop?"

"Apparently she doesn't," Dr. Montgomery said through gritted teeth.

Alina winced internally, sensing this doctor really didn't want to talk to her anymore. "Well if you don't mind I'm going to go find another room to sleep in. You look like you could use this one more than me." She stood up to leave, groaning internally that it was only just after dinnertime; she still had another ten hours left of being on-call.

"Wait," Dr. Montgomery called.

Alina spun around. "Yes?"

"What…what did you say your name was again?"

She wasn't expecting this. "I didn't, Dr. Wilder did. But it's Dr. Levin, Alina Levin."

Dr. Montgomery opened her mouth as if to speak again, but Alina's heart was beating so fast just being in the presence of this great doctor and at the possibility that maybe, just maybe this great doctor didn't hate her after all. Before Dr. Montgomery could say anything, Alina turned and left without so much as a handshake.

She had no idea who her mother was talking about when she said "she is there," but, Alina thought, maybe if she stuck around long enough she could find out.

* * *

Addison stormed into Dr. Charlotte King's office the next morning in a huff, pulling the door shut behind her. Charlotte was on the phone, but after seeing the look on Addison's face, hung up quickly.

"When the hell did Ambrose start a fellowship program?" Addison asked, forcefully.

"Excuse me?" Charlotte raised an eyebrow, daring Addison to repeat herself.

"I asked, when the _hell_ did Ambrose start a fellowship program?"

"And just what makes you think you can come bargin' in here on your high horse? Last time I checked it was my hospital, I do what I want."

Typical Charlotte response. As much as Addison had actually come to like the woman over the years, right now she really just wanted to slap her.

"While I don't owe you any explanations, I started the program because I thought it would be good for the hospital, build up the reputation. And it just so happens we took in a damn fine group of doctors-"

"I know," Addison muttered, interrupting. "I met one."

"The Russian? Yeah, Pete told me you threw the poor girl off a case last night for disagreeing with you on something she ended up being right about, by the way. What in God's name has gotten into you, Montgomery?" Charlotte asked.

Addison sighed, making a mental note to remember the Russian accent and then wondering why she even wanted to make a mental note in the first place. She opened her mouth to give Charlotte some snarky retort, but nothing came out.

"I…" she stuttered. "I can't sleep." With that she turned on her heel and left.

* * *

"Come on Addie, why don't you give the surrogacy thing a shot?" Amelia asked later that night as the two of them outside on Addison's back porch. "I stand by what I said before – you get your baby, someone else's boobs take the hit."

Addison chuckled. "I know, I know, it's just…it was hard enough with the IVF not working and watching my own body let me down. I don't know if I can watch another woman carry my baby and not…freak out all the time." She took a sip of her sparkling water, Milo the cat purring softly on her lap.

"Isn't that all supposed to be part of the surrogate experience though?" Amelia asked, somewhat sarcastically. "You freaking out about the woman's every move, telling her if she doesn't lie down with her legs in the air for an hour every day for the first trimester the baby will be born with three heads?"

"Oh ha ha." Addison rolled her eyes. "Maybe I would find that funnier if it were even remotely close to true…"

"Look, I know you've been put through the ringer one too many times with this whole baby thing, but I really think you should give it a shot. And that's coming from _me_; I'm like the anti-mother."

Addison snorted. "You're not the _anti_-mother, you've just…made up your mind about it. And so have I, I'm just…waiting for the universe to give me a sign."

"Maybe surrogacy could be your sign," Amelia shrugged.

"I don't know," Addison sighed. "I'll think about it, okay?"

Amelia nodded, looking out into the ocean.

"Hey how are you doing, really?" Addison asked gently, after a moment.

Amelia took in a deep breath. "I'm okay…I'm good. I told you I was staying sober and I am. I think…I think it's gonna be okay, and you're gonna get your baby."

Addison sat up, taking her sister's hand. A million thoughts were swimming through her head, but there was only so much she could put into words. "You are gonna be okay."

_I guess if you want something badly enough, then maybe getting your shins pummeled is a fair price. I want a baby._

_I'm gonna have a baby._

* * *

**Thanks for reading! Reviews are warmly welcomed :)**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Alrighty so here is chapter 4 for you. So sorry for the late(r) update, but with my 21st birthday on the 5th and work and being out of town, life just got ahead of me! Hopefully this semi-long chapter will make up for it. Enjoy, and thanks again so much for reading!**

***The middle of this chapter is rated M and may be a slight trigger for survivors of sexual assault***

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

* * *

**Chapter 4**

Addison Montgomery was unlike any other patient Jake had ever treated. For one thing, when he met her he wasn't even his doctor; he was just a guy picking out fruit in the produce aisle, when out of nowhere a redheaded woman in a grey Yale sweatshirt asks him a question about pineapples.

"Hey," she had stammered, trying to get his attention while holding two pineapples. "Uh, how do you tell when these things are ripe?"

Whoever she was, she was beautiful. Clearly she was nervous, that much he could tell, but he actually found her stuttering surprisingly adorable in a "wow I could just kiss you right now" sort of way. Jake had walked over to the woman carrying the two pineapples, a small smile forming on his lips.

"Well," he said, leaning down to smell the pineapples – a fruit he honestly didn't even like – and instead getting a whiff of her perfume. He kicked himself internally for thinking this, but she smelled wonderful too. "Smells sweet," he said. "That's how you know…that it's ripe."

The woman smiled at him, and Jake almost went weak at the knees. There was something about that smile…something that made him wish he could see it every day…every hour, and every minute. He had absolutely no idea who she was but from the very first moment he laid eyes on her there was just something about her that had him…

He had visited that same produce aisle the next day too, hoping, however foolishly, that he would see the woman in the grey sweatshirt again.

"Get a grip, man," he told himself over and over. "She's not coming back…it was just a question about pineapples; there's no way she's thinking about you as much as you're thinking about her." But then, leaning against the handle of his cart next to a stock of oranges, he saw her. It took everything he had not to let his jaw drop to the floor; if he thought she was beautiful yesterday, she was nothing short of stunning today, dressed in a scoop-neck red dress that revealed her perfect skin.

She looked up at him and smiled again, that oh-so-perfect smile. Their carts stood next to each other.

"You come here every night?" She smirked.

"I couldn't get the idea of fresh pineapple out of my mind," he answered smoothly, impressing even himself. She laughed. "What about you? Do you come here every night?"

She shook her head, smiling slightly. "Nope."

Jake sighed, deciding to tell her the truth. "I lied." She gave him a strange look. "I hate pineapples." A knot formed in his stomach, thinking she would find him too forward or too…something else he had no intention of being. But instead, she laughed again, and Jake immediately felt himself relax.

And that did it; without even knowing each other's names they went on their first date together…if one could call it that. It was…probably the strangest date he'd ever been on, to say the least. They – or rather _she_ – had decided right away to leave out all personal details, right down to their first names. Jake decided to go along with it; anything to make her feel more comfortable. She went on about wanting to "make a change" and not do any of the things she used to do when it came to dating and what not. It didn't seem like she had any cruel intentions, so again…he went along with it.

So much so that he saw her again, and again, and again…and then invited her to Fiji.

Now, months later, here they were working at the same medical practice. Him, and Dr. Addison Forbes Montgomery; that was her name. There was a definite awkwardness in the beginning; he had gone in for an interview at Seaside Health & Wellness, a Santa Monica practice that was looking for a new fertility specialist, and lo and behold there she was. A doctor, running her own practice.

Then, once he learned of her desire to have a baby, she became his patient. Never mind the whole "being back with the ex-boyfriend" thing, Jake didn't like to think about that. For one, it was confusing as hell to him – how she could claim to love someone who consistently put her down for wanting a child of her own, who showed her virtually no support in her biggest dream. For another, he knew from the first minute he saw her that he loved her. _He_ loved her, not Sam Bennett. Jake loved Addison in the way she deserved to be loved, yet she couldn't see it. Jake loved her so much he would have a baby with her, marry her…

He was patient with her, giving her the medical help and advice she needed, and told himself that he would wait; he would wait for her to be ready, to see that once she and Sam split – which they inevitably did after the second failed IVF – he would be the one there for her, still loving her.

And now that's where they were. Addison and Sam were broken up and was Jake waiting, all-the-while encouraging her not to give up on her dream, to try for surrogacy.

"You excited?" He asked her one morning as the two of them walked into the office kitchen. Today was her first day meeting potential surrogate mothers. Surrogate mothers who, Jake believed, would be a good fit for her.

"I…am cautiously optimistic," she said.

"Is today the day you meet the surrogate candidates?" Amelia asked, sitting at the counter.

"So I'm told," Addison replied.

"I've narrowed it down to a couple of women who I think would be a good fit for her," Jake said.

"Oh, no." Amelia sat up. "It's like when the guy buys you a sweater for Christmas; it's fluffy, tight, and low-cut. What women want and what men think they want are-"

"No, look there are certain criteria they have to meet," Jake interrupted, not wanting any negativity around Addison today. "They have to have given birth to their own child whom they are raising."

"You really want a car with all that mileage on it?" Amelia asked, raising an eyebrow.

"We have to make sure that she's gone through a healthy pregnancy devoid of all major complications," Addison said, sipping her coffee.

"Exactly," Jake said. "It's also essential that the surrogate knows how she's gonna feel being pregnant and giving birth."

"Makes sense," Amelia nodded. "You don't want her to run away with the baby or anything."

Jake cringed internally.

"Thank you," Addison replied sarcastically. "Thank you, Amelia. Now I can worry about that."

"Look, Addison, we're going through an agency. Everything's above board, there'll be a contract. You'll be fine."

Addison contemplated. "You're right. Because so far getting pregnant, IVF, adoption – it's all gone so swimmingly. I've been a smashing success on all fronts," she laughed ironically.

Even though he'd said this so many times, on so many different occasions, Jake wanted to tell her not to give up. There was something inside him that said Addison wasn't done yet, that she would eventually get it.

She would get everything she wished for.

* * *

The surrogacy process was a nightmare, Addison thought as she sat inside her office with Jake. Never mind the emergency case she had this morning with the potentially abusive husband – fantastic – Addison was finding herself in her own level of hell dealing with these nut job women who came in wanting to carry her baby.

Jake told her she was being too harsh, too particular, but what did he know? She told herself that yeah okay, he was just trying to help, but still…this was her _baby_ they were talking about.

She remembered the first woman, Donna…

"I'm so sorry, I had an emergency surgery, I'm Doc-Addison, I'm Addison."

"Donna was just telling me about her husband, who's stationed on an aircraft carrier," Jake said, as Addison sat across the table from the woman named Donna.

"Oh, that's terrific," Addison noted.

"He's a navy pilot," Donna said quickly. "And we're proud but it's challenging. We have two great kids, ten and six, but they miss their dad and it's busy for me…"

Does this woman ever take a breath between words? Addison thought to herself, feeling overwhelmed already. "So uh…" she said. "Being a surrogate would…"

"Will help out financially," Jake finished. Addison nodded.

"Being a surrogate is noble, but it's a business," Donna continued. Addison just kept nodding, feeling increasingly uncomfortable by the minute. Did this woman just compare her baby to a business…? "You're a professional, Dr. Montgomery, you must recognize that I have a valuable skillset that I want to put to work for you."

Yeesh.

Now, Addison was preparing herself to meet the second candidate Jake had picked out for her. Of course, he was doing his best in trying to help her keep an open mind, but even still, Addison had a feeling as soon as she walked back in the conference room she was just going to find something _else_ she didn't like…

"You have to go into this with an open mind," Jake encouraged her, the two of them leaving her office for the conference room.

"All right," Addison said exasperatedly. But as soon as she looked up and caught a glimpse of the woman inside, she got another bad feeling in the pit of her stomach. And this happened with every single candidate from then onward. It was a feeling she couldn't explain, to anyone really. Jake would just tell her she was being too picky, too judgmental, Violet had told her she doesn't necessarily have to pick the _right_ one, she just has to pick a _good_ one, and Sam…well Addison wouldn't know what Sam thought because he was off trying to find himself again…without her.

There was just something about these women; Addison couldn't picture any one of them carrying her baby. _She_ was supposed to carry her own baby, just as she had twenty-nine years ago, with baby Alina…

Of course she had let herself wonder if baby Alina had anything to do with her issues finding a surrogate, but then she shoved all of those thoughts to the back of her mind. She was _sixteen_ for God's sake, she shouldn't have wanted to keep her baby, and she _hated_ remembering how her baby was conceived…that night at the prom…

**May, 1982**

**Hartford, Connecticut**

"What a geek," a fifteen year old Addison Montgomery heard Alyssa Sharpe sneer behind her back one morning after biology class. Alyssa was head cheerleader at her high school – Westdale Academy – and was very pretty, having dated over half the football team. Essentially, she was everything Addison wasn't, and wanted her to know it. Today, Addison had just gotten the highest score on their latest biology exam…102 percent.

Addison just held her books closer to her chest and continued down the hall to her locker, pretending not to hear the gaggle of girls snickering behind her. She should be used to it by now; with braces, somewhat unruly red hair, and a first-chair spot in the school marching band, the boys weren't exactly banging down her door. Still, she felt the sting every time one of those girls picked on her, called her a geek, a nerd, ugly…

"Hey," a bubbly voice came up from behind her. It was Addison's best friend, Sophie Bremmer, a lanky, mousy-haired girl who played the clarinet with Addison in band.

"Oh, hey Soph," Addison greeted her solemnly.

"What's your damage?" Sophie asked. "You ran out of class so fast…we all know you got an A on that test." Sophie nudged her shoulder.

"It's not the test," Addison sighed, squeezing her books again, just wanting to get to her locker. "It was Alyssa." For some reason, not even her best friend could cheer her up right now.

Sophie rolled her eyes. "Don't listen to anything that bleached-out airhead says, she's just jealous that you've totally beaten her on every test this year…or probably of her entire life."

Addison chuckled, thankful for her friend's honesty in her time of need.

"Anyway," Sophie continued. "There's something I _have_ to tell you."

She seemed excited. "Okay, dish," Addison told her.

"Jason Mitchell was totally making eyes at you today during biology class, I saw him." Sophie grinned. Jason was quarterback of the football team and the most popular boy in school; Alyssa had been pining after him for months, and he was _definitely_ out of Addison's league.

"Get real, he was not," Addison rolled her eyes. Although inside she was squealing; maybe her best friend could cheer her up after all. _Jason Mitchell?_

"Amanda noticed it too," Sophie said, referring to another band member who had class with them. "He's totally going to ask you to the prom." Sophie looked like she wanted to jump up and down from excitement.

"Oh yeah, good one!" Addison said sarcastically, opening her locker. "People like Jason Mitchell don't go to prom with girls like me. And besides, I've already agreed to go with Skippy…" Addison finished her sentence quietly, already cringing at the thought of being arm-in-arm with Skippy Gold from math class, their braces getting caught together if he tried to kiss her…

"Oh Skippy-shmippy, this is the real deal!" Sophie squealed. "Jason Mitchell and Addison Montgomery, the hottest couple at Westdale," she said dramatically.

"Do you even know who you're talking to anymore?" Addison asked, turning to look at her best friend.

Sophie placed both hands on Addison's shoulders and looked her square in the eyes. "Yes I do, and I'm telling you, something's gonna happen. Big time."

* * *

Jason hadn't asked her to the prom after all. As Addison had suspected, he arrived arm-in-arm with none other than Alyssa Sharpe, who shot her a smug glance as the two of them walked by. Addison was of course partnered with Skippy – who luckily hadn't tried to lock their braces together yet – to no one's surprise. But, Sophie was right about one thing – Jason _was_ making eyes at Addison…and he hadn't stopped, not even at the prom.

About halfway through she began to get butterflies, pretending not to notice Jason but feeling his beautiful blue eyes burning a hole through her forehead. What was he thinking, anyway? Didn't he think she was a geek like everyone else? Standing at the edge of the dance floor with Skippy, "Waiting for a Girl like You," by Foreigner had just come on and people were gathering to slow dance. Addison cringed, completely not in the mood. It wasn't that she didn't like Skippy Gold, they got along fine in math class, but…she didn't like him as a prom date.

"Hey, um, Skippy I think I'm gonna step outside and get some air," Addison said, giving him the most apologetic look she could muster.

"Are you okay?" He asked. "Do you want me to come with you?"

"No!" Addison said, eyes growing wide at the thought, before catching herself. "I mean…no. I'm fine, just a little warm is all."

"Oh, okay then," he nodded, giving her a sweet smile that made her feel indescribably guilty for feeling the way she did. "I'll just get us some more drinks then…be back in a bit?"

"Yeah, yeah definitely." She gave him a small smile before heading outside. The dance was in her school's gym; heading out toward the front of the school, she leaned against the porch railing and took a deep breath. Dressed in a sequined turquoise dress, she didn't feel ugly per se, she just felt…weird. Like something wasn't right, and then there was the fact that Jason had been staring at her for the past three days…

"Hey, Addison?" A male voice came up from behind her. Addison's heart skipped a beat…it was Jason. She turned toward him a little too quickly, trying not to swoon from the head rush.

"Jason," she breathed. "What are you doing here?"

"I just thought I'd get some fresh air," he said, standing next to her.

Addison raised an eyebrow. "Jason," she said again. "Really, what are you doing?"

"I'm not quite sure I follow," he responded with a slight smugness.

"Well for starters, shouldn't you be inside escorting _Alyssa_ tonight?"

Jason chuckled.

"Also," Addison continued. "Why are you even interested in talking to me? We're not exactly in the same social circles, you know."

"All this talk about social circles," Jason said, smirking. "Can't a guy take interest in a beautiful girl without being questioned about it?"

Addison felt her stomach drop. Was he really talking about her? Was he really interested in _her?_

"Walk with me," Jason said, placing a hand on the small of her back and leading her out. Her skin burned underneath the fabric of her dress where he touched her. Her hands went clammy, and her stomach was crazy with butterflies.

"Oh-okay," she stammered, walking alongside him. It was a clear spring night in Hartford, the stars out and air crisp. They walked out toward the football field, the sound of the river flowing several yards behind the bleachers. Addison thought about her date, how he would be waiting for her back inside, but still she kept walking with Jason, her thoughts morphing into how she would explain this to Sophie. "Where are we going?" She asked.

"Just around," Jason shrugged. "I want to get to know you a little bit, Addison. You intrigue me."

"I intrigue you?" She asked. "Believe me I'm really not that intriguing…"

"Oh I think you are," he said. "You're smart; you beat everyone on that last biology class, you know?"

"Oh…did I?" Addison breathed, even though she already knew she had.

"You seem like a strong, independent woman and I like that," Jason continued, ignoring her. "Where are you going for college?"

"Um, Yale," Addison answered automatically. "My father expects it…"

"I'm a Harvard man, myself. Well, I'm going to be; my father is." Jason looked straight ahead as they walked, and Addison began finding him cockier and more smug by the minute. She wasn't sure she liked it at all.

"You interested in football, Addison?" Jason asked.

"Um," she started, knowing he wanted her to say yes. "Not really…but I'm in the marching band." She looked down and spoke quietly.

"Well," Jason said, taking her hand. "We'll just have to fix that, now won't we?"

Before Addison knew it they were standing next to the bleachers; it was quiet, no one else was around, and Jason – a good three inches taller than her – looked down at her.

"I…" She wanted to speak, to ask what he was doing, but soon his lips were against hers, silencing her. "Jason," she said against his lips, pushing against his chest with both hands. "Please…stop," she said once she could catch a breath.

"Mmm stop what?" He smirked. "I told you I wanted to get to know you better."

"Well, yes, but…" Addison tried to push away from him again, suddenly feeling very nervous; and it didn't help that they were the only ones around for quite some distance.

"So, let me get to know you, Addison." Jason's words were forceful, almost as forceful as his grip around her waist, his mouth against hers.

"No, Jason, stop!" Addison struggled. Jason was pulling her back behind the bleachers. She felt the tears sting her eyes…what did he want from her?

"Shh, shh…" he silenced her, lying her down on the ground. Already she imagined the dirt stains she would have to explain to her mother once she saw the dress. "Don't fight it."

"Jason, please, stop…stop it!" Addison cried as he held her down. Suddenly she felt the sting of his hand across her cheek.

"I said, don't. Fight. It." Jason said with gritted teeth. Addison started crying, hearing the tear of her dress, the unzipping of his pants.

"No, no…" she said, over and over, but no one heard her.

"Shut. Up!" Jason whispered in her ear forcefully. She felt like she was having an out of body experience, like she was watching this happen to someone else. This kind of thing didn't happen in upper class Hartford, Connecticut, and yet…and yet, it seemed to be happening to her.

**February, 2012**

**Los Angeles, California**

Addison had gone to work the next morning hoping for her cases to go by smoothly, to help distract her from the disaster that was meeting her potential surrogate mothers. Of course, whenever she wished for a smooth day, it always ended up being anything but. It started with Violet, yelling for help from the lobby for a (beat up) patient – Joanna – who Addison later learned was on the run from a potentially abusive husband. Violet of course had no doubt that the husband was responsible for Joanna's condition, but once Joanna could get a word out, lying on the floor of the Seaside lobby, all Addison could think about was the fact that she was pregnant.

They had rushed Joanna into the hospital, the first time Addison had been in there since her encounter with the emergency fellow Dr. Levin. She had no idea what it was about that woman – why she made so many mental notes about her, why she let her get under her skin so much, and finally, _why_ the only thing she could think about besides the surrogacy and Sam and Jake was her.

"Thirty-seven year old female, unconscious with blunt trauma to the face and abdomen," the paramedic had shouted as he, Addison, and Violet pushed the gurney inside the ER. Addison had been on a one-track mind, only thinking of getting to the ultrasound machine to take care of that baby as best she could. But then she heard that voice again, that beautiful accent, and her mind clouded over.

"Wide-bore IV times two, cross and hold four units," Dr. Levin said, meeting them in the trauma room, again with Pete.

"She's pregnant," Violet said.

Pregnant…Addison regained her thoughts. "I need an ultrasound!" She shouted.

"And I need a brain scan and a trauma panel," Pete said.

"Her husband did this," Violet repeated. "I met Joanna six months ago in an airport. She was afraid to go back to New York because he hit her during an argument."

A pediatric specialist, of course Dr. Levin was on Addison's ultrasound almost immediately, already opening her mouth to speak. But Addison wanted to beat her to it. "There's blood in her belly. Baby looks about twelve weeks old."

"We should get the police," Dr. Levin said.

"She told you that he hit her again?" Addison asked Violet, ignoring the young doctor.

"She didn't have to," Violet said quickly.

"Dr. Turner, what's going on? I got a call." A man walked into the ER, and Addison knew immediately from the look on Violet's face that he was Joanna's husband.

"Who's that?" Pete asked.

"That's the husband. You should not be here!" Violet shouted menacingly.

"Oh my God how did this happen?" The husband asked, ignoring Violet and stepping toward the gurney.

"She was beaten badly," Dr. Levin said forcefully, the look on her face similar to Violet's, her cheeks paled. Suddenly Addison felt a surge of protectiveness wash over her that she couldn't explain; she didn't even think she liked this doctor all that much and yet the thought of this guy getting any closer to her made Addison want to punch him out.

"I need to be with her," he said.

"Uh, no, that's not gonna happen, you need to get out," Dr. Levin said, shaking her head tensely.

"I don't understand," the man said.

"We both know you did this," Violet told him. "You don't have to play innocent."

"What? No. No, look, when you talked to her at the airport and you made her stay, that was my wake up call. I got help, and I've been doing the work – anger management, therapy – Jo and I are doing so much better. I swear to you this wasn't me! I need to be with her."

The husband stepped forward forcefully and it was all Addison had not to body slam him to the ground. Fortunately, Pete beat her to it.

"Get your hands off me," the husband growled.

"Step back, back up," Pete shoved the man, starting what almost turned into a full on brawl before Charlotte came in with someone from security, putting a stop to what could have possibly ended his career.

* * *

After Joanna's surgery, Addison was exhausted. Of course it was complicated; first of all, she was bleeding, and badly. Then, the – potentially abusive – husband told Addison to give her a hysterectomy, _no matter what_, as he was her next of kin since she lost consciousness. And _then_, it turned out that Addison didn't have to do a hysterectomy after all; Joanna lost the baby, but she was able to safely keep her uterus, despite her husband's demand.

Meanwhile, Violet was in a complete tizzy about this guy, claiming she had spoken to Joanna in an airport months ago and Joanna had said she was afraid of her husband, that he had hit her during an argument. Because of that, Violet was so convinced it was him who hurt her this time around too.

Addison's head hurt, standing in the staff lounge and nursing a cup of coffee. She had enough on her own plate without thinking about all the battered women out there who deserved so much better than the hand they were dealt. All the babies out there who died because of abusive men.

She had _surrogates_ to think about.

Dr. Levin had observed the surgery, standing close enough that Addison could swear she felt physically pulled to her. But she hadn't stayed the whole time; as soon as Addison had announced she could save the uterus, the young doctor had left the room without so much as a glance back at Joanna. It had left Addison curious.

"Hey," a quiet voice sounded from the corner of the room. Addison jumped; she didn't know anyone else was in there with her. Dr. Levin stood from her arm chair, still dressed in scrubs and holding a cup of her own; Addison took in a deep breath, meeting her gaze.

"Oh. Hey," she responded, sounding slightly more cheerful than was appropriate.

"Are you alright?" Dr. Levin asked.

"I…" Addison started, not entirely sure how open she wanted to be with this girl. "Yes. Thank you."

Dr. Levin raised an eyebrow, and for a moment Addison could swear she saw a reflection of herself. "Try saying that like you mean it."

"What are you, a shrink?" Addison chuckled sarcastically, but stopped short, noticing Dr. Levin's unwavering gentile expression. So different from the fierceness Addison had experienced just days ago. "I'm sorry."

"It's alright," Dr. Levin sighed. "I hate dealing with patients like Joanna too. But unfortunately it's just one of those things that comes with being a peds. doctor. Kids come in with bruises up and down their arms…they tell you one thing – that it's no big deal, they fell down the stairs – but then the next thing you know a woman comes in a week later, unconscious with a crying child on her tail…" Her eyes filled.

Addison stood there, frozen. It was all she could do to nod, trying not to let her mind wander to that night at prom, almost thirty years ago now.

"Is Joanna going to be alright?" She asked, snapping Addison out of her trance.

"Oh, yeah, yeah she is. You know she lost the baby but she…she'll make a full recovery," Addison said.

"I hope that means getting rid of that shit-head husband too," Dr. Levin muttered. "I will never understand how someone could hurt the person they claim to love like that…_svoloch, ya nadeyus chto on idet v ad_…" She continued to mutter in Russian, no longer even paying attention to Addison and refilling her cup with coffee.

Addison just watched her, momentarily flashing back to her prom night, and wondering if this young doctor had experienced the same thing…

"Did you-" Addison started, but had no idea how to word the question burning at the tip of her tongue without crossing a line.

"…and Joanna deserved to have her baby!" Dr. Levin continued, switching to English and still ignoring Addison. "And even on the off chance she didn't want to keep it because it was his, I'm adopted, I understand! I know how to help mothers in that situation!" She placed a hand on her hip, catching her breath.

Normally, Addison would have taken this moment to try and ask her question again, but she was too preoccupied with the word "adopted." Adopted; that was what her baby girl was too. But where she was now, Addison had no idea. She could be on the other side of the world, for all she knew. "I…you're adopted?" Addison asked.

"My parents adopted me when I was six months old. My birth mother couldn't keep me…my mother said she was 'some teenage screw-up' or something, but my mother is hardly ever right about anything, so…"

"I know the feeling," Addison chuckled, then her chest clenched. Her mother was no longer alive. "I mean…I knew the feeling." She looked down.

"Oh," Dr. Levin said, sitting back down. Addison did the same. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay," Addison said. "It was over a year ago now and we were never, we were never that close."

"I'm not close with mine either," Dr. Levin said. "Both my parents are Russian; not that that means anything, but we lived there for over half my childhood and over there, the culture…parents and children are not usually very affectionate toward one another. My mother takes that very seriously and expects nothing less than perfection from me, and is always yelling at my papa. My papa…he's the absolute sweetest person in the world. Again I say, I will never understand how certain people can be attracted to the one person who hurts them the most. My parents, Joanna…"

"Me and Sam…" Addison trailed off.

"I'm sorry?"

"Oh, nothing. Just, an ex-boyfriend I'm still trying to get over."

"Did he hit you?" Dr. Levin asked, seriously, sitting up in her chair.

"Oh God no. No no, not Sam. He just…wasn't right. I thought he was. I thought he was the one…after Derek and Mark, and the messy, _messy_ love life I had here in LA, I thought I was done when we got together. Turns out I was very wrong," Addison said, sipping her coffee and becoming more and more surprised at how easy it was to talk to this girl.

"That's good," Dr. Levin said, exhaling.

Addison suddenly remembered her earlier question. "Were you…I'm sorry for how this sounds, but were you…ever with someone like Joanna's husband?"

Dr. Levin turned away, curling into herself. "Yes," she whispered after a moment. "Edward Larson, a lawyer, graduated top of his class from Harvard Law. I met him when I was in med. school there…my mother of course loved him. Papa didn't, like he knew something bad was going to happen before it did. It wasn't always bad though…at first he was great, supportive with school and everything; eventually we got engaged, but that's when he got really possessive over me, wouldn't let me go out with friends and such.

And then he started getting physical during arguments. When he broke my wrist a year ago…that was when I knew I had to leave him. I think the only time I've ever heard Papa yell at Mother was when she told me I should have stayed with him and 'dealt with it.'" Dr. Levin sighed, sinking deeper into her chair. "Figures…I fell in love with someone who turned out to be exactly like my mother."

Outside Addison could hear the beeping of pagers and the intercom going off, but she paid no attention. After hearing the end of that story, she felt so much anger toward this girl's mother; as a woman who longed for a child, she could never understand _how_ a mother could tell her daughter to stay with a man who hurt her. If anyone ever hurt her child, broke her child's wrist, she would make sure he – or she – never saw the light of day again.

"I'm sorry," was all Addison could muster. "You didn't deserve that."

"Thank you," Dr. Levin nodded slowly. "It took a little while to realize, but I know you're right. Joanna didn't deserve that either. No one deserves that."

Addison thought back to a discussion she had with a former patient who was diagnosed early with Huntington's. "People should get to experience everything good that life has to offer; they should get to have someone who loves them…unconditionally."

The two women sat together in silence for a moment.

"It was actually very nice talking with you, Dr. Montgomery," Dr. Levin said, looking Addison in the eye. Right away Addison noticed the color of her eyes – they matched her own. "I'm sorry if our first meeting was kind of…"

"Me too," Addison said, cutting her off. "And…you should call me Addison. Anyone who tells me what you just did and is not a patient gets to call me Addison."

Dr. Levin smiled. "Well in that case." She stood up, sticking a hand out to shake Addison's. "You can call me Alina."

_Sometimes when we were stuck, we would stop for a minute to rest, regain our strength…let the waves take us for a while. Even if we weren't going anywhere, it was still…_

_Sailing._

* * *

**Reviews are always welcome. Thanks so much for reading!**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Hey all, sorry for the delay in updates. School's officially up and running again so you know what that means...less writing time for me :( But thank you so much for sticking with this story! Here's chapter 5 for you, hope you enjoy! :)**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

* * *

**Chapter 5**

"_I hate surprises," Addison scoffed during an appointment with her therapist one morning. "I always have. And surprise parties, they're the worst; they are designed to make you feel completely unsettled. I mean your friends won't talk to you about birthday plans so you think they've either forgotten or they just don't care, and then when you try to set something up, suddenly everybody's busy. _

_And then you catch your friends whispering to each other, and then they suddenly stop when you come by. And for what, so these same friends can gather in a dark room somewhere with the sole intention of scaring the now totally depressed and completely paranoid birthday girl by screaming 'surprise'? I mean, who needs that?"_

"_But isn't there a payoff?" The therapist asked. "You're surrounded by people who have gathered in your honor to express their love."_

_Addison laughed. Was this guy serious right now? Addison had been the victim of so many surprises in her life – some much worse than others – she had become immune to the possibility that some of them might have a "payoff." "Uh, no," she said. "No. That is not how love is supposed to feel."_

Alina groaned, turning over in bed. She had no idea what time it was but she couldn't get the shrill ringing noise out of her head. It was her first day off in almost three weeks and all she wanted to do was stay in bed 'til noon, then spend the rest of the day out on her back porch with nothing but a book and margarita on the rocks. The last thing she needed was to be paged in to the hospital in the middle of the night.

Reaching her arm out, she fumbled for her phone on the nightstand, cursing herself for choosing that obnoxious clichéd iPhone ringtone. "Not. Happening…"

"Hello?" She muttered.

"Alina, is that any way to answer the phone?" A sharp voice came through the line, speaking to her in Russian. Alina rolled her eyes and responded in kind.

"Can I help you with something, Mother? You know the California is three hours _earlier_ than Connecticut." She was too tired to realize that her mother had been chastising her nonstop during her entire greeting.

"…you _never_ answer the phone like that, it could have been your boss paging you!"

Alina waited for her to finish. "Mother, what can I help you with at – " she looked at the clock, "five thirty in the morning?"

"I'll tell you what you can help me with; you can tell me how people get out of this damn airport of yours…can't even get someone to tell me where baggage claim is…"

Alina shot up in bed. Wait…airport of _hers?_

"Mother," Alina said slowly. "Where are you?" Silently she pled for her mother not to say L.A. She knew her parents were planning a trip out here sometime in the future, but Alina thought that meant like months down the road – especially since the last time she spoke with her mother was during a heated argument about moving to LA in the first place. And surely Papa would have told her they were coming now…he wouldn't just blindside her like this. He knew how much she hated surprises.

"Where do you think I am? We took the red eye out last night – your father and I are in L.A. and trying to figure out where this _damn_ baggage claim is!"

Alina decided against telling her mother to just look up at the directional signs. Instead, she tried to keep herself from throwing up; her mother was here, in LA, in her city, and she was already unhappy. Alina could only imagine the look on her face when she saw how unkempt her house was…she was a doctor, it wasn't like she had time to clean! "Mother…Mother!" She said into the phone sharply.

"What?"

"Put Papa on the phone."

"But-"

"Papa on the phone. Now. Please…" Alina added carefully, remembering who she was talking to.

A moment later, the sweet voice of her father came over the line. "_Solnishka_," he said.

"Hi, Papa," Alina smiled. Sunshine – his name for her since she could remember.

"I'm so sorry about this – I had no idea she wanted to come so early until just two days ago, I know how you hate surprises. I tried calling but you seemed so busy…"

Alina kicked herself internally. She remembered seeing a few missed calls from her dad but got so busy she never bothered to call him back.

"Is your house clean?" He asked.

Alina sighed. "Well it's about to be, isn't it? Do you need someone to pick you up?" She stood up, pushing a stack of Vogue magazines – her guilty pleasure subscription – underneath the bed with her heel.

"I think your mother may have something figured out…I do hope we're not imposing on you too much."

_Imposing?! All she ever does is impose!_ Alina wanted to shout, but she bit her tongue. "No, no of course not. I'm happy you're here." And she was, for her father at least. "Did Mother mention how long you'd be here for?"

"_Solnishka_, that is something you will have to discuss with her. I'm merely here to see you, I asked for no more details."

Alina smiled again. "Well thanks. You have my address, I'll just clean up a little bit and I'll be up when you get here." She pulled open the blinds in her bedroom – the sun was only just rising.

"Oh no no darling, don't trouble yourself, we're staying in a hotel."

"No, Papa – "

"Ah, I said we're staying in a hotel and that's final. I wasn't completely silent on the way over, you know."

Alina laughed softly. "Okay well just let me know when you get settled. Or I'm sure Mother will beat you to it…either way I'll be home all day." So much for the book and margarita…

"Alright, darling. I'll see you later today."

"I love you, Papa," Alina said, making mental notes of everything she needed to clean once she hung up.

"And I love you."

Once she hung up the phone, Alina tied her hair into a loose bun and headed downstairs. Apparently, she had parents to please, and for God knew how long.

* * *

Addison hated getting called into the hospital extremely early in the morning, especially since A. she was no longer a resident, and B. it always meant an emergency that, given her specialty, often times had to do with a woman having experienced some sort of sexual trauma.

Much like the one Addison had – and then shoved deep down – all those years ago…

She was supposed to leave for a medical conference in Palm Springs with Jake later today, and she cursed herself for even setting foot in this building. Then again…an early morning at the hospital would definitely help keep her mind off of Sam – her most recent ex – and Jake…or rather the thoughts of what could happen with Jake at this conference.

But she was still lamenting her relationship with Sam. She wasn't supposed to be thinking about what _could_ happen with Jake anyway.

"Well, someone's up early," a Southern drawl comes up from behind her. She spun around, only to find herself face to face with Dr. Charlotte King.

"I could say the same to you," Addison replied.

"I'm Chief of Staff here, Montgomery, what I do in this hospital is my business," Charlotte said.

Addison chuckled, still getting a kick out of Charlotte's old "I'm-Chief-of-Staff-I-do-what-I-want" attitude. "So how's Mason adjusting to the loft?" She asked.

"He's doin' alright," Charlotte said, flipping through a patient's chart. "Although I gotta admit when I first found out Cooper had a son I pictured some snot-nosed obnoxious little kid gettin' in my way all the time. I never pictured myself actually likin' the boy…"

"Huh," Addison said.

"What?"

"Oh nothing, it's just step-motherhood looks good on you, Charlotte," Addison smirked.

"Don't go thinkin' I've gone soft, 'cause I haven't," she snapped. "I don't do soft, Montgomery."

Addison chuckled again, just about to respond when she heard another voice behind her, this time taking very fast in a foreign language. She could recognize this voice anywhere – it was Alina's. Addison tried as hard as she could to look immersed in a conversation with Charlotte…only until Charlotte turned to greet the young doctor.

"Dr. King, how are you?" Alina smiled. "Addison…"

"Hi," Addison said softly. Immediately she noticed Alina wasn't dressed in scrubs; instead she had her hair down and was wearing dark jeans with a cream-colored sweater and light brown boots. She looked beautiful. Addison was just about to open her mouth to speak when she noticed two people – who looked almost her parents' ages – walk up behind the young doctor.

"These are my parents," Alina said. "Nicolas and Alexandra Levin."

Right away Alina's father stuck his hand out to greet both Addison and Charlotte; of course Addison obliged with a "how do you do?" but she also couldn't help but notice, not only how sweet this man was, but also the seemingly nasty look Alina's mother was giving her. Actually, it wasn't entirely nasty; Addison couldn't really place it. It was like a look of surprise mixed with automatic distaste, and she couldn't understand why.

"Hi, I'm Dr. Addison Montgomery," she introduced herself to the woman as Alina's father spoke with Charlotte.

"Mmm," the woman said, and Addison was immediately reminded of Bizzy.

"Mother," Alina said. "Dr. Montgomery is one of my mentors."

For some reason hearing Alina call her Dr. Montgomery made her cringe, but she noticed Alexandra relax slightly once she heard the word mentor.

"I thought you were off today," she said to Alina, as Alexandra turned toward her husband.

"I am," she said. "Just showing my parents around the hospital…apparently Mother thought today would be the best day for a little surprise visit."

"I definitely know how that feels," Addison said, remembering the times Bizzy and the Captain would show up in LA unannounced.

"I didn't exactly enjoy getting the phone call at five thirty this morning but oh well…I missed my dad and it's the thought that counts, right?" She sighed.

"Right," Addison nodded.

"So what are you doing here so early?"

"Emergency surgery," Addison said. "Although honestly I have not missed getting called into the hospital at six in the morning…"

Alina chuckled. "I get that. They don't call you attendings for nothing."

"I'm supposed to go on this medical conference with one of my colleagues later today too…"

"Oh, I'm jealous!" Alina said. "I always loved going to those when I was at Harvard."

"Don't be too jealous…all it is is just a bunch of stuffy doctors who talk about themselves non-stop. I'm just looking forward to the open bar," Addison winked.

Alina leaned in close to Addison's ear. "I'd gladly take stuffy doctors over…" She nodded her head toward her mother. "For God knows how long."

"Ah," Addison nodded.

"Alina, I'm tired and I'd like to go home," Alexandra said, catching the two women's attention. Addison could tell she wasn't going to like this woman very much…she gave her a weird feeling.

"Alright, Mother. Well, have fun at your conference Dr. Montgomery. Dr. King." With a curt nod and smile, the young doctor walked off with her parents.

"That apple definitely fell far from the maternal tree…" Charlotte muttered.

Addison stared as the trio walked away. "I couldn't agree more."

* * *

It didn't take Addison long at all to get friendly with the booze at this conference. Not only had she told Alina that the only thing she was looking forward to was the open bar, she had also made a complete fool out of herself on the road trip with Jake. Okay, maybe not a _complete_ fool, but she had wolfed down an entire bacon cheeseburger _and_ told him of her plans to actively get fat after Derek left her.

He had laughed it off, like the good guy he was, but the whole time they were traveling together Addison couldn't help but wonder if he really thought she was a total freak.

She didn't even go to the meet-and-greet in the ballroom; she went straight to the bar. To hell with Jake and his judgments – tonight, she was going to get _drunk_.

"Oh, don't judge me," she said as he walked up to her at the bar.

He shook his head. "I wasn't. I'm just, uh…there's a whole ballroom full of doctors across the way there, drinking free drinks, and you're here alone, paying."

"I do not feel like socializing," Addison said, accepting her second gin martini from the bartender and taking a sip. "What?" She asked Jake after a moment.

"Are you getting drunk?"

"No," she said. "Okay, so what if I am? We're out of town, you know, at a medical conference. Nobody knows me here."

"You are at a medical conference. Everyone knows you here. You're famous here."

Addison sighed.

"You're the…you're there Meryl Streep of Maternal-Fetal Medicine," Jake continued.

Addison laughed. "Jake, go. Mingle. Go to that ballroom, okay? I'm gonna sit here and I'm gonna drink because I can't get fat. All right? And then I'm gonna crawl up to my bed and I…am gonna miss my boyfriend." And my baby…but I would never say that out loud while sober, she thought to herself. "And then tomorrow, I'll be a grown-up, and I will give my presentation on the advances of high-risk perinatology."

"Addison…" Jake went to grab her drink.

"Mmm, hey," she swatted his hand away. "Go. Okay? Go. Mingle. Come back when someone's dumped you."

Jake gave her a look before walking away.

"I'm fine!" She called after him. "…right?"

As the night wore on, the more Addison drank. And drank. And drank. She wasn't pass-out drunk, but she was well beyond tipsy to the point where there was no telling what kinds of words would come out of her mouth.

She sat at the bar for at least a couple hours after Jake had left her, and thought about her life. Her mother – who she had never really gotten along with in the first place – was dead, there was that. She'd had a baby, but she was the result of something Addison kept buried way deep down and never had any desire to revisit. Now who knew where she was. Then she had the great guy but didn't have his baby because she was focusing on her career. Then she had another baby but it wasn't with the right guy so she'd had an abortion.

Now she was barren and seemed to repel any and all adoptive and/or surrogate mothers. And her boyfriend – who she thought was the one – left her.

Everything was just perfect!

Another thing she couldn't figure out was the strange connection she felt to a certain doctor at St. Ambrose…a doctor who at first she couldn't stand. She thought getting drunk would help clear that up a little bit too, but so far nothing. The mysterious Dr. Levin remained just that – a mystery.

Before she knew it Addison found herself standing – or rather wobbling – outside Jake's bedroom door. Why? Her drunken brain had no idea…but she had things to say to him.

"Wanna have sex with the Meryl Streep of Maternal/Fetal Medicine?"

Addison wanted to laugh at herself. What if Jake opened the door and she actually said that to him? No that could never happen.

Then Jake opened the door.

Addison swooned at the sight of him. Why did no one ever tell her how handsome he was?! Never mind her drunk brain; the minute he opened the door all she wanted to do was jump him.

"Wanna have sex…with the _Meryl Streep_ of Maternal/Fetal Medicine?" She slurred. Oh God, she actually said it!

As soon as Jake let her in – not before giving her a look and a curt "no" – Addison fell back onto the bed, arms and legs sprawled apart.

"It's okay," Jake said.

"No, no I actually think that it is not," Addison muttered. "You rejected me!"

"I didn't reject you."

"I asked you to have sex with me, and you said no." Addison pointed at him, propping herself up on her elbow. Her blouse was now completely un-tucked and even she could tell now she looked a mess.

"I cannot _have_ sex with you," Jake said, leaning against the wall.

Addison couldn't take it anymore. She flipped over onto her stomach. "You just rejected me again!"

"Well, look, I'm sorry but I can't."

"Am I hideous? Did I become hideous?" Addison asked.

"You are gorgeous," Jake said.

"Wait. Was it the eating? Was it all the eating? Did it freak you out?"

"Your eating is oddly very sexy."

Addison sighed. "Is it because you saw my vagina in a medical way?"

Jake rolled his eyes.

"All right. Wait. Don't answer that." The room was spinning around her as she sat up, and Addison could barely keep track of what all she was saying anymore. "Oh my God. What am I doing? I'm losing credibility all over the place. All right, okay, this is just…look, I take it back! Okay? I don't even want to have sex with you! You're just…this didn't happen. I'm going." She wobbled some more, trying to get up, but before she could Jake came over and wrapped an arm around her waist. It took everything she had not to smash her lips against his…God he smelled so good…

"Addison, Addison just listen to me, okay? I can't have sex with you, and I'm really sorry about that."

"Why not?"

"Because you're drunk."

Oh, details, details.

"And because you don't want to have sex with me."

Now how do you know that?

"…you want to have sex with someone, anyone, because you're not over Sam, and you're trying to numb the pain. You are beautiful, and you are desirable, and very, very hot. But…I can't have sex with you because you're not ready to have sex with anyone who isn't Sam."

God dammit, Addison thought to herself. This man not only has good hands, he's so logical with the words too. She leaned her head against his shoulder, letting out a long sigh. "I've gotta tell you something," she muttered.

"Oh yeah, and what's that?" Jake asked, his arm still wrapped protectively around Addison's waist.

"I have a baby."

Jake looked down at her, surprised. "Come again?"

Addison laughed drunkenly. "You didn't need to see my vagina in a medical way after all because I have a baby!"

"You have a baby?" Jake asks disbelievingly, like he figured this was just drunken Addison talking. Well she was drunk, she'd give him that, but not so drunk she'd make up something like this.

"Twenty nine years ago," Addison laughed. "I was sixteen, would you believe that?"

"Addison…"

"And there was this guy…Bizzy thinks he asked me to the prom, but he didn't ask me to the prom. He took me out after prom, did you know that?"

"He…took you out after prom?" Jake looked at her attentively.

"Yeah," Addison snorted. "_Out_. Out back behind the school…and then nine months later I had a baby girl…then of course Bizzy took her away because Montgomerys don't have babies when they're sixteen that would be an abomination so I don't know where she is now but sometimes I think I've seen her…I feel like I've seen her…her name's Alina and she's my baby so…I have a baby...and now there's this new doctor at St. Ambrose named Alina and it's really confusing me, you know it really is. Reallllly is." The whole thing came out like one sentence and even if she were sober Addison would have no idea what was going on inside Jake's head. Drunk Addison didn't even want to try to guess.

She felt Jake's arm wrap tighter around her. The room started spinning faster and soon Addison was growing very drowsy. She was too drunk to fully process what she had just told Jake, and now all she really wanted to do was sleep…sleep and forget about Sam…forget about everything.

* * *

_Addison was raped_.

That was the only thing running through Jake's mind the next morning as he watched her sleep. She may have been heavily intoxicated last night but that didn't stop Jake from putting two and two together. She said she'd had a baby when she was sixteen, and there was a guy at prom – who didn't ask her there – who took her "out" afterwards. It didn't take a genius to tell what that meant. And it didn't take a genius to tell that that little "outing" resulted in a baby…a baby Addison wasn't allowed to keep.

The more Jake thought about it, the less sure he was that he wanted to know the full story from a sober point of view. This was obviously something Addison had buried deep down; at least it didn't sound like a story she went around telling to everyone. He remembered what she had said – about feeling like she'd seen her daughter before, and not just as a newborn – and he began to wonder himself if even _he_ had seen Addison's long lost child before.

That was one of those things about adoption, especially in cases like Addison's where the birth mother probably didn't want to give the baby up in the first place. People often spent the rest of their lives wondering where their child was, what she looked like, if she was okay, if she was happy.

All he wanted to do now was curl up beside Addison and hold her tightly to him, but of course he couldn't do that. Jake liked to think of himself as an old-fashioned good guy, so naturally he had given Addison his bed while he slept on the couch last night. She just looked so perfect in her sleep; so innocent, like nothing could ever hurt her, and Jake loved that.

He loved _her_.

"Oh my God…" he heard a soft mutter coming from the bed. Addison lay facing the window.

"It's okay," Jake answered automatically, startling her. Grabbing the New York Times crossword, he went and sat next to her.

"Oh my God!" She said again, flipping over to face him.

"It's okay," he said again.

Addison gasped. "Oh, crap. I'm late for my presentation."

"I had them move you to four PM, you've got three more hours," Jake said, taking a sip of his coffee.

"Oh," Addison sighed, sitting up. "Did I…did I ask you for sex and then cry?"

Yes, but that was by far the first thing on Jake's mind. "I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Okay, I uh…I'm so sorry. I…I had a lot to drink last night and it was a bad idea, and my sad just sort of came out all over you. I am so, so, so sorry."

Jake wondered if she had any memory of what she told him last night; just in case, he decided not to bring it up. "It's okay."

"No, it's really not," she sighed. "I feel like I'm always a mess around you, and it's not good 'cause you know we're colleagues. I'm not this person, seriously, I'm not."

"We're not gonna talk about this anymore," Jake said. "I called room service, got you a bacon cheeseburger. It got here five minutes ago, it's still hot."

"Okay, but I…"

"We're not gonna talk about this, okay? Go. Sit. Eat."

Addison walked over to her food tray silently and sat down. Jake couldn't help but be so much more observant of her now; of the way she talked, the way she walked, the way she would tuck her hair behind her ear continuously. He wondered if her daughter – wherever she was – shared any of those traits. He wondered if her daughter looked exactly like her. Alina.

"I'm supposed to just do everything you say?" Addison snapped.

"I'm driving. Eat." He looked up at her and smiled. "We're not just colleagues."

He never wanted to be "just her colleague" anyway.

* * *

On the drive home, Addison wondered how much Jake remembered of their drunken encounter last night. Really though, it was stupid to even wonder. Of course he remembered everything – but the problem was, so did she.

She had told him about Alina, and she was mortified about it. What if he brought it up to her? What if he asked her about…Jason? And the prom? And about losing her baby girl? So far he hadn't said anything, and Addison hoped it would stay that way. Sure, when she looked at Jake she saw one of the nicest, most decent guys she'd ever met; she liked to think he was sensitive enough to her feelings to leave the subject well enough alone.

But Jake had made her laugh on the way home, being his charming, smiley self. He let her know that what happened last night – the drinking – was okay, and that he wouldn't hold it against her. About halfway back Addison found herself wishing she could reach across the seats and take his hand, feel the softness of his skin, feel the protection of his strong grip.

A part of her wished he wouldn't drop her off at her house, that she could just go home with him, crawl into his bed, and feel the warmth of his arms around her. But it was too soon for that – he knew it and she knew it. And that was unfortunate.

As she got out of the car, said goodbye to Jake, and made her way toward her front door with suitcase in tow, Addison saw someone waiting for her at her doorstep. Since it was dark, her first reaction was to freak out and call Jake back…then she realized who it was. If her own mother weren't already dead she would have sworn it was her sitting on the doorstep – the stern expression, like Addison had already done something wrong and without even knowing. She took a deep breath, trying to hide any confusion behind what this person was doing here.

"Dr. Montgomery," came the terse greeting.

"What can I do for you?" Addison responded.

The woman stared at her, hard.

"We need to talk...about Alina."

_"I've always been the kind of person who reads the last chapter of the book first. I like to know what's coming. It used to drive Sam crazy, he'd say to me, 'getting to the end is supposed to be a surprise.'" _

_"I hate surprises. I like to know."_

_"I like to know what's coming."_

* * *

**Thanks so much for reading! Reviews would be most welcome :)**


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